Catch 22

Alzheimer's has made us do many, many things. All of them, painful and degrading to the sufferer. It has made us feel helpless. It has made us feel sick.

Yesterday, its mayhem reached a pinnacle.

It made us feel like losers.

We have decided to let go. We have decided to let nature take its course rather than cutting appa open and inserting more tubes in him. We have chosen not to try and extend his time on earth by means of artificial support.

We have chosen. And it hurts like hell. To give up the fight.
But it had to be done, for him, who suffers every day.
For her, who lives in vain to see him get up and be normal.
For us, who watch him die one little bit everyday.
Damn you, you horrible blasted disease. DAMN YOU to the deepest corner of hell.

This one, is for hope

The New Year began with a fart. Literally… and then continued to its logical end, in the potty.
For someone like me who believes in the significance of beginnings, the year 2010 looks like a load of shit.

My father in law has lost bladder control and Alzheimer’s has further stolen his ability to contain the refuse from his intestines. It means a lot of washing and cleaning and mopping. It means a lot of aggression and violence and shouting. It means a lot of heartbreak and tears and frustration. It means a lot of patience.

Sri and I have the luxury of (somewhat) peaceful nights by virtue of having a room on another floor but my sister in law has survived last year on almost no sleep. She has morphed from being the eldest daughter, the apple of his eye … to the primary caretaker, a mother to her much loved father.

It has been a tough journey for all of us, more so for her. But she is holding up. There are occasional slips but she manages to bounce right back. She is not someone who would joke and smile and talk shop. She does not even try and find a humorous angle to the whole thing. She just is and I am proud of her. Because with people like that around, beginnings don’t matter, nothing does… love survives all odds and if its not triumph we achieve, we would have at least tried our hardest.

Not a Goddess
Not a saint
Just an ordinary girl
A symbol of hope
Her name means peace
And that’s what she is.

Because he is not ours anymore.

Why can’t they leave me alone? Why don’t they just take their fancy stuff and smart mouths and get the hell out of here? Why do they have to plague me thus? What have I done to deserve this? Save me … help me … someone, please …

Ravi, you hold his hands, Shyam… legs. His nails are too sharp, they need to go.

Ganging up on me are you? You think because you are three you will get away with anything? Come on you sons of bitches, let me show you what I am made of. I might go down, but I will go down fighting.

Oh man, that hurt! Hold his hand tightly will you. God, the fellow has a mean kick. Where did he learn to fight like that? Ravi, stay away from his head … he will head butt you all the way to Chennai and back. Steady now.

Take that… and that. Ha! Bet that one hurt. Hey, wait a minute, why are you covering my eyes? I can’t see. Why are you pulling at my clothes? Stop it. STOP IT. Help.

Quick, hand me the scrub. Look at all this filth. There must be layers and layers of it. Ugh. Pass me the water. Yeah, get me the towel. Steady now, I am not going to hurt you… relax, relax, re …OWW! I see stars! Pretty blue ones.

What is the world coming to? Why are you cutting me up? I have never ever hurt you guys … I have never even seen you before. Why are you helping that woman undress me? Oh the shame … oh the shame … fie on you people. A pox on you. May you burn in hell …

I have never heard such foul language from him before. By struggling so much he is only hurting himself. Why can he not understand that?

Because he can’t understand us Maya …

Damn it man … he is my father… he acts like he doesn’t know me anymore

That’s because he doesn’t. He is in his own little world now where none of us exist

Thank you so much Alzheimer’s … thank you so bloody much.
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First hand experience has taught me to be scared of this dreaded disease. Mortally completely scared.
Often, sri and i discuss about what would we do, if we found ourselves forgetting ourselves. And most often than not, we end with a pledge, which might not be the right one, but for us, it sounds fine.
The pledge to end it before the disease ends everything else.
I have never had a stand as far as mercy killing has been concerned. Now, I do.

A huge blackboard

"its like your brain is a blackboard with lots of things chalked down on it ... and then, this giant hand with a giant duster just rubs it all out ..."

thats Alzheimer's for you.

bastard disease.